Feeling Lost

I have been feeling pretty lost lately.
I do this when I need to turn off my feelings,
but usually they catch up with me pretty quick.

I've been having lots of problems in my life and it's been hard.
I really don't want anythg...
so turning off my feelings is the only way to make it through.
I am really trying not to argue in front of anyone,
and I try really hard not to cry in front of anyone too.
If I do cry, I tell that "It's okay to cry when you're sad
& I'm glad I have you to hug me." and then I smile.

I am more and more convinced though that
I deserve this life only. However, I don't think there is any other life for me.

There is one thing that I will stick to that "Nothing is for forever"
And, for right now, that's enough.
I have to find a way to be content with that.

I don't need to be happy. :-)
I don't think anyone does, to be honest.
Human are confusing, needy creatures.
It's their job to look out only for themselves.

I wish that at the end of the day, I could get a grade from someone on how
I spent that day. A+, B-, big fat F...whatever it would be.
At least then I would know.

I haven't really even been looking at my hair lately.
I just don't...have the energy to deal with it right now.
I really don't. I wish I could stop eating nails and just
let them grow in. They don't look horrible but I MISS my long ones.
Maybe I can make that my goal...no eating nails this week.

I'm just going through a phase right now where
I'm seriously doubting my abilities,
and I'm scared all over again that I won't be at peace.
A normal feeling for some people maybe,
but for me it's downright scary.
I just try to tell myself that God will give me the strength that I need,
that I shouldn't be afraid.
I have to just take this day by day.

I am ready to concentrate on myself again a little bit.
I gave away everything I have, and I will always do this,
but eventually Its time to start finding ME again.

What is hard is knowing that it's time for me to experience
some separation. But at the same time, I break down in tears
remembering my golden days, wishing that I could experience
it just one more time.
All my mistakes replay themselves over and over again
in my mind. It's like they won't let go.

I think I need to start focusing on more positive things.
Everything in my head seems to be negative right now.
I don't think those negative thoughts will get me very far.

But then again, sometimes I just don't know what to think.
I just pray that somehow God knows what He's doing with me.

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When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today,

While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,

And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name and
took me by the hand.

And said my place was ready in Heaven far above,

And that I'd have to leave behind, all those
things I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,

For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much yet to do,

It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,

I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,

I'd say goodbye and kiss you, and maybe
see you smile.

But then I fully realized, that could never be,

For emptiness and memories, would take
the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things, I might
miss come tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was
filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me,
from his great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity, and all I've
promised you.

Today your life on Earth is past, and
here it starts anew".

"I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,

And since each day's the same day, there's
no longing for the past".

"But you have been so faithful, so trusting and so true,

Though there were times you did some things,
you know you shouldn't do".

"But you have been forgiven, and now at
last you're free,

So won't you take my hand now and share
My life with Me".

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't
think we're far apart,

For every time you think of me, I'm right here
in your heart.

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