Your marriage is a living example of what it is
like to be in a close relationship with you.
I am not saying that it is wrong to give voice to your needs. I am saying that it is often an ineffective way to get them met, unless you first sow the seeds of giving and servanthood. (This is also good practice for being a leader in any sphere of life.)
If you are, then I would recommend three steps:
If couples would invest in one another like I am suggesting, the divorce rate would plummet. Romance is important. Sex is too. But a solid friendship is the foundation of everything else.
Photo courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/Renphoto
Unfortunately, we live in a culture that is very me-centered. Gail
and I often talk to people who are frustrated with their spouses. Most
of this stems from the fact that they are not getting what they think
they need or what they think they should be getting.I am not saying that it is wrong to give voice to your needs. I am saying that it is often an ineffective way to get them met, unless you first sow the seeds of giving and servanthood. (This is also good practice for being a leader in any sphere of life.)
If you are, then I would recommend three steps:
- Make a list of what you would want in a best-friend. If you were going to advertise on List for a best friend, what would the ad look like? Perhaps it might look like this:
Wanted: Best Friend Prospective candidates will:
- Make me feel good about being me.
- Affirm my best qualities (especially when I am feeling insecure)
- Call out the best in me, and hold me accountable to the best version of myself.
- Listen without judging or trying to fix me.
- Give me the benefit of the doubt.
- Extend grace to me when I am grumpy or having a bad day.
- Remember my birthday, favorite foods, music, and art.
- Know my story and love me regardless.
- Spend time with me, just because they enjoy my company.
- Speak well of me when I am not present.
- Serve me with a joyful spirit and without complaining.
- Speak the truth to me when no one else will.
- Never shame me, diminish me, or make me feel small.
- Become excited about what I am excited about.
- Celebrate my wins!
- Now become that person for your spouse. That’s right. Turn the table. Make this a list of the kind of friend you will become. I can promise you this: anyone who does half of these kinds of things will have more friends than he or she knows what to do with. But what if you focused this effort on your spouse? Think of the possibilities.
- Keep sowing the seeds, until the relationship blossoms. How long will it take to create this kind of relationship? It all depends on where you are starting. For some, it might be several months. For others, it might take years. Friendships are like gardens; they must be cultivated. The key is to be consistent and persistent—without expectations.
If couples would invest in one another like I am suggesting, the divorce rate would plummet. Romance is important. Sex is too. But a solid friendship is the foundation of everything else.
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